i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
