Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
