new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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