I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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