Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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