ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
