I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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