does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
