this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
