Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
