we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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