is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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