No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
