You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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