the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
