I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
