I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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