Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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