She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
