I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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