I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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