apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
