I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
