I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
