i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
