He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
