did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
