he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
