remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
fuck your aforementioned shoe
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
