What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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