cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
