There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's blow job season.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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