new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Randomize
