R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
