Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
