is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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