Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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