Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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