Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
