i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
