he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
