Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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