I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
