Umm I'm too high to move.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
