Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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