Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize