well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
