Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
did i walk over a car last night?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
