Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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