Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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