i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
