My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
