just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
