Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
