Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
