Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize