somebody snuck up and got me drunk
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Randomize
